Buried in a TEDTalk about the importance of having a tribe, Seth Godin uttered a simple sentence that resonated with me long after the eighteen-minute video.
“People want to be missed, above all else.”
It wasn’t until further reflection that I realized I was carefully building a lifestyle where I wouldn’t be missed.
I was worried about my husband.
An engineer who works from home, he spends a good amount of time at the computer in troubleshooting mode. When not in front of his freakishly large monitor, his analytical mind is twisting, turning and figuring out the problem at the expense of his downtime (aka: sleep).
To relax, he plays games on his handheld device or reads a few chapters from “Game of Thrones.” They are diversions — but nothing to capture his detailed mind. They distracted from work but didn’t engage his energy.
And then the Nikon D3400 walked into our lives.
A friend of ours came to stay with us for a weekend. He loves to capture people on his digital camera and took it to the craft fairs, restaurants and on walks. He snapped multiple pictures of people in action, laughing or even just staring at the cat.
Mike was intrigued by the various elements that go into one picture. From lighting to mood to aperture to focal point, it was an exciting world.
He started watching YouTube videos, reading online articles and attended a DSLR camera basics class on how to get more from the device and your subjects.
He wanted more.
My husband found a list of 52 shots to give amateur photographers a challenge each week that furthers their skills behind the lens. The weeks rotate between landscape, portrait and artistic with an added element thrown in to make it different. I come home from writing class or grocery shopping to see our dining room table converted into his makeshift studio.
He wanted more.
My husband has joined a photography group here on the Sunshine Coast (Shutterbugs). They meet twice a month. The first meeting features a presentation on a certain style or subject. The group has two weeks to take pictures and submit them along the same subject or style for group viewing.
He wanted more.
We have started taking photo safari’s so he can capture new, exciting images on his camera. We have ventured into Vancouver for a brewery photo shoot, to a state park in Washington state and down to the beach for “blue hour” early in the frost-covered morning.
He still wants more.
He’s taking his camera everywhere, with a sharp eye out for the perfect shot. I find myself standing by the side of the road for uncomfortable amount of time while he figures out the best angle for a shot down the railroad tracks.
Mike and His Dad – Camera Talk
He spends time at his computer, analyzing the shots and figuring out different gray scales to enhance the picture for a second photography club that only does black and white.
He sleeps well at night. His mind is able to shut off due to creative exertion. Instead of fretting about work, his mind is looking for a great shot. He is exploring his world through a lens — much like I do mine through words.
When left alone as he chases the “blue hour” on the beach and I sit down with pen and paper, I can’t help but think that being a photography widow may not be all bad.
When I was a teenager, I stole two things from my parents’ stash of clothing in their garage. Twenty-three years later and I regret nothing.
I wasn’t looking for anything specific that fateful day when I decided to rummage through the boxes in the garage. Perhaps I was seeking a stroll down memory lane that only lost or forgotten items can offer.
That is when I came across two jackets.
Piles of fabric, buttons and zippers have been squirreled away for a future use that never came. Beautiful, bright cloth that deserves to be fashioned into a work of art saw nothing but the inside of my closet.
Needless to say, I started 2017 with a closet of creative guilt.
What’s your holiday tradition? A puzzle on Christmas Day? Perhaps it is seeing the latest animated feature at the movie theatre to let the turkey and pumpkin pie settled.
My husband’s family enjoys snow mobiling around the farm. An activity that I have never tried but could imagine in vivid detail all that could go wrong. What if I fall off? What if I am thrown off onto a sharp rock? What if I get buried in the snow and no one can find me? What if —
You can see how this can escalates quickly in the anxious mind.
“Whatever we plant in our subconscious mind and nourish with repetition and emotion will one day become a reality.” — Earl Nightingale (the Dean of Personal Development)
How do you cope with trauma? Like many things in life, it isn’t something we can prepare for or anticipate. In fact, it has many faces so we often miss the initial signals.
We think because it happened to someone else, somewhere else that it isn’t really impacting us. Or that we don’t have a right to label the symptoms as resulting from an indirect traumatic experience.
But it isn’t true.
“How was your day? How are you feeling?” My husband IMed me one afternoon. He was checking in briefly during his business trip between meetings.
“Meh.” I said. That three letter word was code for feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, tried, angry, drained . . . done.
Luckily he had to go back into a meeting and didn’t further interrogate my hopeless mood swing. At the time, I wasn’t sure what was causing my negative, grumpy mood. Bad diet? Perhaps, I eat horribly when my spouse is away. Not enough sleep? Entirely possible.
And then I checked my social media outlets and the picture crystallized.
It seemed like the rage machine of the American public had been engaged for too long. Every day there was something new shiny and hot button that brought out the worse in people. Friends were arguing with friends over genders and bathrooms. Wages. Standford rape case. Trump. Clinton. Orlando. Gun control. Gay rights.
I’m not taking sides. I think people should debate, discuss and stand behind their values, opinions and insights. It’s not a wrong or right. It’s not even a “is it worth it” issue for me. Continue as you are.
It’s personal.
A couple of years ago, my brother-in-law bought me a pair of Bose noise filtering headphones. I tend to be a bit anxious on flights. Anxiety tends to heighten the senses, makes a person jumpy. Noises that normally are just background sounds becomes overwhelming. The headphones dulls them; which then reduces the anxiety.
I used social media to connect with friends and family. I want to see pictures of their 40th birthday camping trip or vacation to Alaska. But lately, I was feeling disconnected. Overwhelmed by news. Overwhelmed by rage. Overwhelmed by trauma.
My nerves were taxed. Drained. I needed a “Bose” system to filter out some of the “noise” in my world. To reduce the symptoms of trauma. To let me recover. Get back up before another event flooded my wall with negativity and dragged me back to my knees.
The “dream” filter I was looking for . . . was me.
I realized that if I had a friend who pushed their political stance, view on gun control or why the world is going to hell in a hand basket every time we met for coffee, I would stop hanging out with them. Avoid their texts. Delete them from my phone.
Facebook is that friend. And that is what I did.
I needed a break, a chance to regroup. I wanted time to think, mourn and recover from tragedy without the steady stream of the rage machine flooding my senses every time I logged on. I needed to filter out the noise.
I took back what control I have over the situation — what was being planted into my daily life . . . my unconsciousness. I filtered out a bit of the negative so I can let in more of the positive. See hope rather than hopelessness.
I can’t disconnect entirely from Facebook for it is part of the work I do for local organizations and non-profits. However, I did delete the application from my smart devices. I can only access it when I am at my computer. Even then, my usage of the app has been limited to once in the morning and once in the afternoon.
I have been doing it for a week with stellar results. My mood has improved, along with my productivity. My handheld is no longer a gap filler, something to do between this and that.
What you let in, influences you. What you allow to float around in your head, becomes your reality. It is up to each of us to maintain a personal balance.
Sometimes, we just need to filter out the noise. Be our own Bose.